The Monster You Know
by vacant houses
Summary: Oneshot. In which two gunslingers in red walk into a bar and are astonished to discover how similar their lives are. Evil twin brothers are mourned, companions are mentioned and Oedipus complexes are discussed.


The Monster You Know

Herp, derp, been watching Trigun again and lurking back into some of my old fandoms and suddenly the similarities became glaringly obvious and I needed to write this down. Vash's character was extremely difficult to write and I don't think I've managed to keep him completely IC. I've never played DMC and so most of my knowledge comes from fandom.

I imagine Vash and Dante are in fandom limbo somewhere. So they're aware of all the many incarnations they have gone through and are comparing notes.

Er yeah. Will go back to writing about turtles and giant robots now.

Rated because I can't imagine Dante not swearing but that's all, really.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of them at all.

* * *

"Red coat?"

"Red coat."

"And special guns?"

A sigh. "Yes."

A pair of blue eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Stop stealing my look."

"What?" the other squawked incredulously, "I am not stealing your look! Red is the colour of determination! And the guns, lots of other people have unique guns! And I'm older than you! I can't have stolen your look. If anything you copied my look!"

"Nuh-huh," Dante wagged his fingers disapprovingly, "Relatively speaking, I would have existed hundreds of years ago in your timeline. Therefore, I would have pulled off the gunslinger in red look first thus making you a copycat."

"Chronologically speaking," Vash the Stampede huffed, "My character was designed 5 years before yours." He tipped his empty beer mug despondently. "Is your twin brother evil?"

Dante gave a bitter laugh. "Is my twin brother evil? Try stupidly insane and would give up everything for power!"

The Humanoid Typhoon frowned sympathetically. "This sounds familiar. Did he have a big evil plan?"

"Yes."

"Did he hate humanity?"

"Yes."

"A creepy loyal sidekick in a bizarre outfit?"

"Two yays and one nay. Arkham was creepy and wore a stupid clown outfit but was definitely not loyal."

"Huh." The beer mug mournfully lay on its side but made no attempt to become vertical again and Vash began to fiddle with one of his pockets.

"Your brother is dysfunctional as well, I take it?" Dante asked, gazing into the depths of his own mug.

Vash the Stampede groaned. "He was convinced that we're a superior race and should wipe out all of humanity. He was unwillingly to consider any other options; that we could co-exist with them. But if it wasn't for him crashing the Seed ships, humanity wouldn't have been placed in such a precarious position in the first place and become so dependent on the plants. I'm not saying the situation was ideal before that but he made everything so much worse."

"So," Dante summarized, "He was a dickhead."

The plant gave an awkward laugh and glanced nervously over his shoulder. "I wouldn't put it like that."

Dante didn't bother turning around. "No, no, no, you can say it," he said firmly and loudly. "Twin brothers are dickheads. Personally, I blame the fact that he wore blue. That should be a dead giveaway of his twistedness. Blue is the colour of insanity."

Vash shot a quick glance at the table behind them and eeped at the scorching glares levelled at him and his drinking companion. "I think they heard us."

"Good," Dante drained the rest of his beer. "It's not like they haven't put us through shit. Vergil ran me through with my own fucking sword to awaken my devil side. It hurt like a bitch."

The infamous outlaw blinked at him. "Knives," he began hesitantly, "Activated my Angel arm for me and blew up a city."

"Case in point," the half-devil replied, "That is really, really shit and twin brothers are dickheads. God, this is so fucking depressing. Why are you so like me? I mean really, Angel arm? I collect Devil Arms. This can't just be a coincidence, you and me having angelic and demonic themes. Fuck, in one incarnation, I have both angel and demon powers. AND MY HAIR CAN TURN BLACK."

Vash gave a non-committal hum as he brushed his hand through his spiked, currently blonde hair. "We both have a distinctive hair style," he noted. "And before you say anything, I was published first, remember?"

Dante glared at him. "Shut up."

The outlaw raised his hands to show he didn't mean anything. He tilted his head to the side as he glanced at the other occupants in the room. "Two female companions?"

"Yep," Dante drawled with an amused smirk.

"Strong-willed?"

"Yep."

"Borrow your money?"

A depressed look flitted across the devil hunter's face. "I am constantly in debt because of them."

"Are they spending it all on pudding and transport fare?"

"Nope, clothes."

"Sirs?" the bartender held out a note for them. "They asked me to give you this."

Dante picked the piece of paper up as Vash asked, "Who did?"

The bartender shrugged dismissively and wandered down to serve some other customers. Dante gave an annoyed huff. "Okay, someone would like to raise the point that we both have a bit of an Oedipus complex."

"What?" Vash gaped, clutching his beer mug in alarm. "Who said- when did that happen?"

The half devil raised an eyebrow. "How did you manage not to notice that?" he asked dryly.

The outlaw's mouth worked soundlessly for several minutes as he worked through a hundred and thirty or so years of memories. "Okay," he said at last, "I may have briefly, _briefly_ had a moment where I thought Rem and Meryl were similar in one of my incarnations. In my defence, I had been beaten rather badly before that. But Rem is a dreamer and Meryl is far too practical. If anything, _Milly_ has a disposition like Rem."

Dante waited a moment.

"WAIT!" Vash gasped. His head turned slowly to gaze at the group of women at the other end of the room. "Your mother looked like-like-"

"Trish," Dante supplied. He grabbed the lecherous outlaw before he could die an excruciating death.

The plant's wide eyes locked onto the blonde bombshell. "Your complex is completely understandable," he said.

"And yours isn't, huh?" Dante asked wryly.

Vash sniffed delicately. "The Insurance Girl is cold, my friend. Very, very cold. And a dream wrecker."

Dante waved dismissively. "I have no idea what possessed me quite honestly when Trish showed up. I mean, sure, I mentioned she looked like my mother and then it was like I instantly forgot it. How did no one think that having Trish develop feelings for me was not weird?"

Vash reached over and gave him a conciliatory pat. "Some things are just not meant to be answered."

The half devil grunted. This time, it was his eyes to sweep the room and his gaze fell on another table. "Hey, moron," he said, "Do you know someone who is like you, same sort of look, personality, fighting style but is _not_ you?"

The outlaw chewed on his lip for a moment as he thought the question over. "Wolfwood," he said, "He's a lot like me, same sense of humour, follows the theme of three guns. Our philosophy is completely different though. And his friend Livio also has three guns."

"Hmph," Dante glared at the back of Nero's head, "It's bad enough that you copy my life but at least you don't try to steal my good looks or my demon-hunter gig."

The bartender silently returned and refilled their mugs. The two men fell into a contemplative silence as they sipped on their drinks.

"Any luck with women?" Dante asked eventually.

"Not yet," Vash replied, "But one of these days I will find my true love!"

Dante gave an affirmative grunt. "You an orphan?" he asked after a pause.

"Yes," the outlaw's expression fell. He had been orphaned many times in his existence.

"Yet another thing we have in common," Dante sighed.

Vash gave the half devil a careful, considering look. "Was your brother ever responsible for the death of someone you thought of as your parent?"

Dante's hands curled into fists and his eyes flashed red. "In one existence, yes. I was amnesiac and Vergil was angered that I could not recall him. So he killed them and destroyed the life I had built for myself."

"I had amnesia," the outlaw commented quietly. "Every time my Angel arm was activated, it partially wiped my memories. After July…I don't think I could have handled knowing what I did."

The half devil gave a bitter laugh. "Brothers are complete and utter assholes, I tell you." He narrowed his eyes at Vash. "I think I might actually hate you."

"Why?" the Humanoid Typhoon wilted. "I mean, we have all these things in common! We should be friends."

"That is a terrible idea," Dante said bluntly. "You and I attract trouble from miles away. Nothing in our immediate vicinity would ever be safe. And I hate you because we seem to have exactly the same life."

Vash sniffed and started fiddling with one of his pockets again, eventually pulling out a beaten bag of donuts with much triumph and dramatic gesturing.

"You have a sweet tooth too," Dante sighed as the man beside him gleefully tucked into the sugary treats. The bartender placed a strawberry sundae in front of the half-devil and Dante watched with impressed eyes as Vash managed to stuff the entire packet down his throat.

"Okay," he said as he spooned the ice-cream into his mouth, "That was pretty amazing."

The first rays of light came in through the windows and the two men realised everyone else had left. Time was almost up but they still had a moment for a few last questions.

"Gotta a cheesy catchphrase, Vash?"

"Love and Peace!" the outlaw gunman smiled at his companion. "And you?"

"Jackpot," Dante raised his hands in protest at the amusement that glimmered to life in Vash's eyes, "Hey, I came up with that when I was a teenager." The devil hunter paused for a moment; then glanced at the empty table directly behind them. "Did you ever save your brother?" he asked softly.

Vash's eyes darkened with grief. "I don't know," he said. "In one existence, that story is untold; the other he dies after saving me."

Dante drained the last of his beer. "Well, my dickhead brother fell into hell, failed to defeat Mundus and I ended up killing him accidentally," a vacant look entered the demon hunter's eyes. "I have no idea what Mundus did to make him that way, I'll never know if I could have saved him or if what I did was mercy."

The two fell silent as they each separately mourned their lost sibling. Eventually Dante sighed and raised his empty mug. "Well, here's to evil twin brothers. Without them we wouldn't be the people we are today."

Vash inspected his own unfilled tankard for half a moment before clanking it against Dante's. "Yeah," he said quietly, "Yeah."


End file.
